wat in the world!

stop thinking you are way above me. jun hay ho fan!!!

cieno and i are supporting each other issues thru webcam and text lately. shes been going thru alot of stress and ive been js going thru weird issues. haha yea , i rather not explain them online. but im so grateful that she has always been there for me .. oh crap.. bye

hopeless

theres SOOOOOOOO much, but i cant jumble it all down here.
i actually dont know what to do any more. im usually not someon who would give up on something i like. but i think it is time for me to just retreat back into my shell with a white flag.
i dont even know where to start..hmmm i know sometimes i need to patient and not be so sensitive, but i have been push to limits. or maybe i am just overthinking everything? blehhh!
i talked to my oppa about it and its great to have someone b there for you when your having a bad time.

i thnk i have gone to the point where i cant cry about it any more. its still cooped up inside of me, but i no longer have the energy to vent, to cry, to release it out. all i can do is pray about it and keep a smile on. i know its fake, but how can i go around frowning at everything. hmm on the bright side, i went to tennis club today. it was really fun. i love being around people who also loves it. it reminds me of my team back in those years. sigh good ol' times!!! i wish i can seriously rewind time. i want to relive moments, i want to redo mistakes, and i want to appreciate what i had. everything is all gone now, and all i can do is think back and tell myself how stupid i am. annyong!!

REUNITED

1. shopping
2. hong kong style bbq with fam/friends
3. ponyo!
4. hike
5. in-n-out
6. cue~
7. crepes *slurp*
8. guppy house :)

chinatown!!!

Ryan Rachel Karen Kevin Nate Michelle ^2
we all went to chinatown for lantern festival . it was really fun. we bought poppers and had dinner @ foo chow (where Rush hour was filmed) then when we wanted to leave.. it started to rain uber hard. karen and kevin stayed bhind while the rest of us ran and walkd in the rain to get the car. it was uber fun!! it feels soo great to laugh and smile that much :D we also went on a kiddie ride and had trouble fitting in.

~ the warmth of your hand makes my heart warm . thank you for being there for me <3

conclusions

just be yourself! thats something i have been telling myself lately.
sometimes i find it ridiculous how some girls try to be someone else just for that "cute" guy in class. if that guy doenst like you, he doenst like you. dont try to force feelings that arent there. your boyfriend or girlfriend should like you for who you are, not what you are posing or trying to be. okay, so you're dorky or not that outgoing or pretty, its okay, you will find someone that will love you for who you are. And when you do find this special someone, you know you are blessed. i am waiting for that special someone to just appear. i know that i cant be someone else, even though at times i wish i was that girl. growing up i was never really content with myself, but lately i have been trying to just be thankful for what God has given me.

Psalms 37:16 A little that a righteous man hath is better than the riches of many wicked.

FCBC Peeps

tonight most of the fcbc ppl hung out. we were gonna go bowling but decided to just chill at derricks place. we first stopped by at albatross to eat some greasy, fatty mexican food. then we hung out at D's place js talking. first it was all about rachels 6 prom dates (5 were rejected) hahaha it was epic!!! lol then we went onto Tims, then elmers,, mines.. and then the final one was DERRICks hahahaha. his was really epic and kdrama. two best friends liking the same girl and him not ending up going to prom with his own girlfriend lol i told them about how __________ waited outside my house.. for a particular dance and stuff. i had so much fun and i screamed so much that i started to get a raspy voice by the end of the night :P

k .. overall its just monday.. and i have been overwhelmed with some weird emotions. sometimes i just want to tell some ppl that i will never be like her.. why cant you just stop playng around. as much as i want to be her, i cant. im michelle. you just have to take someone for who they are and not expect to much. i dont even know where this is going. i ranted to susan about how discontent i was today. i felt that im so disconnected and that i will never be a true girl. no im not sexually confused, but im just really dissapointed in myself. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i act, i just hate me. blehhh.

blehhhhh

HELL WEEK!!! man this week i got chem midterm and bio quiz.. actually not this week. TOMORROW! omgah haha luckily todays chem lab was easy, which takes some weight off my shoulders. lately, something has been really bothering me. i wish i can rewind time and js relive moments. there are so many things in life that i regret doing, so many things i wish that would happen or wouldnt happen. sometimes i just wanna be her, and i hate this feeling because i get so jealous of every little thing. i know no one is perfect but i dont want to be such a fail. i let my chem partner down, i always make mistakes and i keep forgetting small parts that are significant to the lab. i just want to be me and be happy about it. i cant wait till this weekend. i really miss cieno. she understands me and is always there. its soo awesome that we never argue.. or have any akward moments or just weird things. aight, gotta go back to studyingggg >< RAWRRRRRRRR

inspire

so today austin took me and lauren to k town to watch kollaborations small performance at Cafe Bleu. We arrived early so we decided to walk around and see if they are there already. we walked into cafe bleu and the girls were dressed up in high heels and nice dresses. they performers were having a press conference and the ppl told us to come back later. so we decided to walk around and we ended up at this lil cafe where we ate yogurt and chilled while watching some korean pop star dancing show. it was fun. then it was time. so we decided to go back to cafe bleu. we were again early and we didnt want to eat there cuz it was uber expensive. so we went to zion market and walkd around the big asian mall. finally, we arrived back into the lounge, and found a place to sit and chill. we decided to order the garlic fries. and we waited from 630-830 for them to start performing. first paul jisung kim sang and then JASON YANG playd a few minutes of super fast and amazing song. then finally clara chun, jason yang, and paul kim sang and playd a kings of leon song. they were AMAZINGGGG. we also got two free tickets cuz we were the first to arrive. btw i was almost kickd out of the place. it was a bar, and i wasnt old enough. wheewwww. the chich allowed me to stay ^^ we met lots of different ppl, especially the ppl that workd for kollaboration. at the end i wanted a pic with jason , so i askd him and we had a talk about violins and stuff and finally a pic YAYYYY~ lol watta good nite :D

:):

POKER FACE

i wish......

valentines day.. chinese new years yayyy ^^ today i went to church and had a great time with friends that i havnt seen for awhile. then i went to help mr huang find a pretty heart diamond necklace. there i saw my friends mother and we had a talk, but it was kind of awkward. after the shopping which wasnt fruitful, i ate with andy, nate, and melody at jade house. finally some asian food. after that i went home and susan and cieno came over to do hw. we ate and then i packed up reallyquick due to change of plans. and i went to christen house to do homework. i realized then i didnt have my house keys with me. so now i am locked outside of my house and mr huang cant give me my keys tonite. and tomorrow morning cieno is dropping me off at 5am cuz she has skool. iono wat imma do.

Just Stop & Appreciate

I came back to DB on Saturday afternoon. I spent some time alone watching some movies and just cleaning up my house. After dinner at Saigon Noodlehouse, i was going to stop by at Ralphs to pick up some junk food for the movie night. As i was backing out , i saw two blind men trying to figure their way through the wet,dark, maze of the parking lot. i was really worried about them being hit because many cars just zoomed past them as they cautiously try to find their way. I decided to quickly park my car and ask if they needed help because there were many cars and its dark. They agreed and we introduced ourselves. Victor held on my elbow as Steve held onto him. We walked towards Ralphs, and an employee guided them around..helping them shop. After shopping, susan and i helped Victor and steve cross DB Blvd to go back to their apt. After saying our goodbyes, i felt that we are so privilege to just go about our daily lives without any problems. These two men lost their sight and had to manuever around town with just canes. i felt so thankful for just being able to see, smell, touch, hear, and taste. People take advantage of so many things, and we just all need to stop and thank God for what he has given us.

that nite, cieno, shirley and susan came over , we sang happy bday and ate cake.then we watchd Proposal and we all fell in love with the guy, ANDREWWWWW <3. after the movie, we decided to be typical girls at a slumber part and do our hairs and makeup . then we took pictures and tried learning some dances (epic fail). wat a night. im soo thankful for such great best friends that are always by your side no matter what.

people watching

today ended super duper good. i had 12 hours of sleep last nite, and woke up finally to get ready for school. my asian american class was uber boring and i kept daydreaming about nonsense. finally 3 :20! i quickly got up from my seat and walkd to mesa to meet up with issack. i thought he was going to park in the parking lot, but i found out i was on the wrong side of mesa. he parked in the mesa parking structure.. so i had to treck across to meet him. after meeting up with him, i had to go back to my dorms to drop off my things. we strolled around on ring road and sat down to js talk and catch up with each other. then it got cold so we decided to grab dinner at mesa commons,, we watchd chowder and ate our potatoes. ^^ then we walkd back to my room and chilled some more talking about life, school, relationships, and stuff. haha then we decided to go get some cha and chilled at the student center. it was a fun nite ^^

Sentence Home

Today in AAstudies, we watchd a movie about Cambodians. There were many cambodian americans that were deported back into their country because of the crimes they did whether or not it was big, small recent or not. There was this one guy that had to be deported back even though he had a family, stable job , and growing kids. he was in this detention thing for 10 months even though the crime he commited was atleast 2 decades ago. He was later released and got deported back. His four yr old daughter understands but doesnt even cry any more. As i was watching this, it js hurts me seeing how families are torn apart and how many parents had to watch their children get deported back. For some moments, i was really angry with our government. They were tearing up families and shredding lives of many ppl that grew up here. its js not fair. after discussing jess as we walkd outta class, i realized how thankful i should be. i have so much around me and i dont stop to be atleast a lil thankful.

toto

so this weekend has been bitter sweet. on friday night mr huang picked me up and dropped me back off in db. then i ate japanese food with susan at Domo Sushi *yummmmmmm*. after i dropped her off at her house and then went to visit my baby<3.>< i wanted to sleep at 1 but i was too afraid to sleep in an empty house, i called my mom and tried to hold back the tears. then i decided to watch a korean movie "...ing". it made me cry the nile river *tear* then at 3 i couldnt take it any more and went to sleep.

this morning i was supposed to wake up at 10am to help cieno move in. but i overslept and woke up at 12. i dressed and got ready and headed out to her new house. there susan and i helpd her set up her place. we then went out to eat korean food, i had "soojaebi". soo yummie and filling ^_^i did grocery shopping, folded clothes, and also cooked dinner between 3-7. i arrived at cienos house at like 8. and i visited ted ted at 9 and watchd a chnz movie at simbas ^^ i had fun. now cieno and susan are gonna play lunia ..such dorks but i still love them <3

Toulene

Today started out fine with me finally turning in my Asian American paper and chilling with jess ryan and stewart in art class. After that class i decided to go study at the sci lib, and met rachel on the way. we ate dinner with her apt mates and later studied. rachel then got a call around 7:20, her roomate had inhaled some gas in chem lab and couldnt walk straight. we had to go to rowland hall to pick her up and walk her back to CV. When we got there, we gathered her things and helpd her walk, but she got sick again and fell down. She started to cry and hypervenilate. we tried comforting her, giving her water, and soothing her. Finally we had to call 911. She was shaking and breathing super fast.. all we could do was js sit by her and comfort her. the paramedics finally came and we had to step back and let them do their work. they took her to the hospital and she was hooked up to all theses different machines. man.. tonight was intense. after sending her off, rach, ankita and i made some coffee and headed to gateway to study. WHAT A NIGHT.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

smiling.. yea its not easy when ur life seem to be kinda spinning uncontrollably in different directions. my parents are leaving on tuesday nite for HK/Vietnam/Shanghai and they wont be back for like a few weeks. At first yea it may seem like a ton of freedom.. doing watever comes to mind and stayng up doing random crap. but for some reason js a few hrs after my parents dropped me off , i was homesick. HOMESICK ..definitely not a good way to start off my week. i tried to keep myself positive but js the fact that i have no one to turn to when im having a bad day. yea there are friends, but its not the same. anyways enough of all this sad emo state.. today i playd some doubles and it was fun... i had some aces which made my day and i didnt double fault all my games. ^^ i guess that was the only highlight of today. BLEHHHHHH

Thank Goodness Its Friday

so yea.. finally reached the end of this week!! im soo glad its over but im dreading next week to come. MIDTERMS!! 0_0 *sigh* its js around the corner. oh wells >< atleast i am home now. i feel soo good to be back in DB. i dont have to worry about the whole sharing bathrooms, eating at pippins, and all that. i can just finall relax on the sofa and watch the Australian Open. Yup yup. tomorrow imma go hit the courts and try to practice some of my serves. I have to start training for an upcoming game against a friend .. and loser has to buy 3 overgrips for the winner. i hope i win ^_^
gotta get back to reading my stupid asian american book (darn u helen zia)

Freaking Emily

OMGAHHHH
so emily goes to her business meeting at 6. which gives me time to decorate her christmas present (yea i noe its a bit late). I printed a picture of *someone* and placed it inside the present. I was going to write a card and tell her how nice it is to be her roomate!!! THEN OMGAH SHE WALKS IN WHILE I WAS PUTTING SOMEONES PICTURE IN HER GIFT!! OMGAHHH OMGAHH OMGAHHH SHE RUINED MY PLANNED. so not talking to her!!!!

Rain Rain Go Away

RAIN:is liquid precipitation.
Man this rain kinda makes me emo. The stupid overcast is causing this place to seem more gloomy , dark, and saddening. I love rain but i also hate it. When it rains i love sitting at home in pjs, watching a movie and js spending time with family. But now, walking to classes in rain and getting my shoes all wet and js everything adds up and it causes me to feel more depressed. I dont know. theres js so much going on in life that i really want to stop time and js sit out. I want to go back in time and js relive the month i was in Hong kong for short term mission trip. oh wells^^

"That the consequences of your actions really are just a gameThat your life is just a chain reaction taking you day by day"